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The Stranger Who Shares My Name: Ruth Marianne Mocklin Green

2020-07-05T04:23:53+00:00

Written November 10th, 2018

Tonight I felt true forgiveness and the reality of God’s Grace.

I have come home every night for 9 days trying to design a meaningful card for my Grandmother who is on her last leg of life. Every night I stare at a blank canvas and struggle to add anything to it. How do you display meaning and love for a Grandmother who has never shown you any of that? All I have to work with is a couple of souvenirs from her travels, a few memories of Yahtzee games and a mountain of hurt feelings and total apathy.

How does one draw meaning from that? I have reached and reached into the inner workings of my mind and my soul to no avail.

My whole life I have set out to prove to be worthy and every success I have obtained was met with her rejection.

For years I thought it was only me…then I opened up and started to address it. Because of that I realized I had an army of loving cousins who have also experienced similar bouts of rejection. I started to heal. Healing was just a bandaid..a temporary solution to my damage.

Do we ever really heal from our wounds or do they just fade as time ticks on? I’m still not sure on that one.

I started to cry tonight out of frustration…frustration from knowing my Grandmother will die without ever, truly knowing me. Frustration from never being able to earn her approval or pride. Frustration from never, not even once feeling warmth from her embrace.

With all this resentment and ill feelings…God stopped me dead in my tracks and showed me GRACE.

My Grandmother is not an evil woman. She has lived a rich full life full of adventure and has done her part to help family, friends and even perfect strangers.

In her 96 years she has survived war, love, loss, more death than I’m sure she cared to experience, gave birth in a WWII bombing raid, traveled the World, speaks 3 languages fluently, earned a 2 masters degrees and lived a life worthy to be written in the pages of a great novel. She is a German and an American, a wife, mother, friend, teacher, athlete, daredevil, a critical bitch, an adventurer, but mostly my Grandmother is just a person.. a not so perfect, makes mistakes, fallible human being.

Her words or lack of will have always stung, but I have found forgiveness…true forgiveness.

Although she has not left a legacy of love towards the majority of her children and grandchildren, I choose to love and accept her no matter how difficult it is to swallow.

God showed me the meaning of GRACE. For all I didn’t receive from Ruth, God showed me GRACE by blessing me with more love than my heart knows what to do with.

I am blessed with 3 parents whose unconditional love is sweetly showered. My family although scattered all over, we still find the time to say “love you” even if it is only a Facebook post…a loyal dog always by side to comfort…countless friends whom I have laughed, cried and who have accompanied me on more misadventures than I care to admit…teachers and mentors who have helped guide me

GRACE in all the experiences that have taken me all over the World and have expanded my mind.

And finally GRACE for Ruth, my Grandmother, my Omie Oma. The woman whom I am proud to share my middle name with.

 

Written December 7th 2018: 

Tonight my grandmother died. I have no words. I thought I felt her, Channel #5 was was thick in the air. I was in my living room, all alone and my purse fell to the floor, and as weird as it sounds I felt her. Maybe it was grief wanting to believe she was there, I just have no idea. She and I had just started to become close. My Grandmother’s last words to me was an apology in her own way. “You are so nice to me after how we treated you. I wish I had spent more time with you.” That meant the world to me. I made her this video with poem I wrote for her before she died.

July 4th, 2020

I am glad my Omie is not here to see the World unravel. She hated Trump and he stressed her out reminding her of when Hitler started to take over Germany. I miss her deeply more than I can imagine.

I keep thinking of my most precious time with my Omie. I was taking care of her for a week, while my dad recovered from hip surgery. She took sleeping pills and if she wasn’t in bed in time she started to hallucinate and see little elfs all around her. One night it was just the two of us. She started telling me one of the elfs was trying to kiss me on the cheek, she was just giggling away. I played along and let this imaginary elf chase me all around the living room, as I watched my Grandmother laugh with all her might. After a good 20 minutes of pretending to see her little elfs, I guided her to bed. She took my hand and said, “thank you.” I responded that us having a relationship is better late than never.  She nodded her head, as she fell asleep. I pulled the cover up, tucked her in, then turned off the lamp. I looked back with the hall light gleaming upon her face and smiled. It was the single most touching moment with my Grandmother. I am so thankful for that.

I understand her more now that she is gone, more than I ever could when she was alive. We are a lot alike. Maybe it’s age, maybe my heart is more open, whatever it is, I’m so grateful to remember the good times and to ignore the pain. I miss her German accent, that only the family could understand. I will miss her stories of the Old Country. She was strong, sturdy, and the kindest woman when it came to animals. Her hopes for our family is to be good citizens, and I will honor her by doing the best I can. My scares have healed and I guess had to bend and break to know love.

I finally got her approval, it came late, but it arrived on it’s own time.

Every blog will feature a song that reminds me of these memories. Music has been a huge part of my existence.

The Stranger Who Shares My Name: Ruth Marianne Mocklin Green2020-07-05T04:23:53+00:00

WHY DO LEAVES FALL?

2018-10-28T06:40:14+00:00

WHY DO LEAVES FALL?

Trees lose a lot of water – so much water that when winter arrives, the trees are no longer able to get enough water to replace it. And so now we know. Leaves fall—or are pushed—off trees, so that the tree can survive the winter and grow new leaves in the spring. Funny how we as fragile beings within our own lives go through the same thing, surviving winter for new growth. 

I have had a lot of leaves fall in my life recently and with it a lot of pain I never thought I would experience. I spent months not understanding the why or God’s purpose in it all. Then one morning the tears started to dry up, the pain stung a little less and life started over, with new leaves growing every day and dead ones falling away.

I watched the documentary The Bridge tonight, which sent my mind racing and here we are. Eric Steele’s haunting film recorded over two dozen deaths in one year at the Golden Gate Bridge. Cars drove by never stopping. What pulled at my gut was the film in a sense exploiting these deaths. The crew’s basic job description was to wait for people to die…they needed people to die for their film. If there’s no good footage of people jumping, there’s no film.  I’m still torn if it was a good call to record the actual deaths. Could you drive home the same points with just the interviews of the deceased family members…I don’t know. The movie itself is powerful with a lot of poignant moments that stop you dead in your tracks and you feel as though you’re sinking into your seat. The Bridge was made in 2006 and I had to wonder with suicide becoming an epidemic…how many more people have jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge since, and how we as a society can be better at prevention. Are we all responsible when one of us slips off the edge?  

With so many people committing and attempting suicide in recent years, I want to address it. Suicide rates have been rising in nearly every state, according to the latest Vital Signs report by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). In 2016, nearly 45,000 Americans age 10 or older died by suicide. Yes, you read that right…”starting at age 10!” Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death and is one of just three leading causes that are on the rise. We have a problem and it’s a big one that I fear will only get worse. 

Suicide can come in the coldest of winters. I often hear people say how selfish it is, if you even think about it or attempt it…you are weak. This needs to change! We all have had moments in life where it feels easier not to wake up the next morning. Let’s be real, we all play a role in the death of loved one who chooses this path or attempts this path. 

It is our life’s ultimate journey to lift and serve each other. If only that person could get through the days, hours or seconds of choosing to end their life, they wouldn’t! And I truly believe that. We need to have compassion and understanding for each other instead of judgment, especially those broken on the brink of darkness. 

If only there was an app to show the people we love our heart and our true intentions, we wouldn’t have so much hurt, resentment and misunderstandings. But unfortunately we can’t control what others think of us and at times this can be totally unnerving. I personally have experienced this with someone I always thought would be there and know my heart because they always have. No matter what antics I pulled this person was steadfast, a rock, never wavering. This person has known and loved me since I was a child, and still I could not change what they thought. I let this shake me to my core, the earth moved from underneath my feet. That is so unhealthy, you are the only one who can keep YOU planted and watered.

People have their own insecurities and misconceptions and often times project them on those closest to them and sometimes people just outright get it wrong. You can’t control anything except your own path. Nothing is worth cutting that PATH short. I’m finding the older I get the less I know and it’s so freeing. All you can do is keep moving and growing new leafs, because when it feels like it is all FALLING apart, it’s never as bad as it seems. The world will keep spinning. That hole in your heart will heal and YOU will become stronger. 

I am lucky to have survived that dark cold winter that chills your bones without stepping off that proverbial edge, some are not. That certainly does not make them weak or selfish. Their pain was just too overwhelming to bare and death became the solution. Can you imagine if their loved one, friend or even a stranger driving by had offered them a hand and pulled them back into an embrace, maybe they would still be here. 

My whole life I have taken on the problems of others and it often “leaves” me frustrated, drained or hurt, but my empathy and “let me fix it” personality is mine and I own it. I’m never going to change that, but instead of looking at it as a hinderance… I am choosing to use it to commit my life to loving and lifting anyone I can. I challenge anyone who reads this to do the same. We all need a hug every once in a while and we need each other.

Visit Here for warning signs, help and how you can become a part of the solution. 

WHY DO LEAVES FALL?2018-10-28T06:40:14+00:00

WORDS

2018-10-28T07:00:08+00:00

WORDS2018-10-28T07:00:08+00:00

This Is A Custom Widget

This Sliding Bar can be switched on or off in theme options, and can take any widget you throw at it or even fill it with your custom HTML Code. Its perfect for grabbing the attention of your viewers. Choose between 1, 2, 3 or 4 columns, set the background color, widget divider color, activate transparency, a top border or fully disable it on desktop and mobile.

This Is A Custom Widget

This Sliding Bar can be switched on or off in theme options, and can take any widget you throw at it or even fill it with your custom HTML Code. Its perfect for grabbing the attention of your viewers. Choose between 1, 2, 3 or 4 columns, set the background color, widget divider color, activate transparency, a top border or fully disable it on desktop and mobile.